


Lick

by orphan_account



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-10
Updated: 2014-04-10
Packaged: 2018-01-18 21:40:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1443865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Doofenshmirtz joined Vanessa for lunch with her friends, and learned a new rule: "I licked it; that makes it mine." He was fairly certain nobody would notice the wet streak on Perry's back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lick

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt was "lick." This was all I could come up with.

"Okay, Dad." Vanessa inhaled deeply, closing her eyes, and flexed her fingers around the steering wheel. She glanced to the passenger seat where her father sat, happily clicking the metal tongue of his seatbelt into its slot.

"Yes, honey?" he said and looked up.

Vanessa sighed and lowered her head. "Please don't embarrass me."

"Vanessa, you know I wouldn't do something like _that,_ " he said, as if that were the most ludicrous idea he had ever heard. He reached up to adjust the rearview mirror, and Perry's reflection flashed over the glass.

"Perry the Platypus, would I ever embarrass my precious little girl?"

Perry raised his eyebrows in warning and nodded at Vanessa.

"Oh, fine. Gee, you people have literally _no_ faith." Doofenshmirtz pouted and leaned back in the seat.

Vanessa smiled gratefully at Perry. She turned her jangling ring of keys in the ignition, and the car started with a wheeze before jerking forward.

" _Du meine Güte––!_ " Doofenshmirtz choked with surprise, clutching at the dashboard to keep himself from propelling through the windshield. A strangled yelp sounded from the backseat. Perry locked his arms by his sides, digging his claws into the seat cushion.

Vanessa stomped the brakes. The car lurched. Doofenshmirtz planted his heels in the floor, curling his fingers around the seat's armrests.

"Sorry," Vanessa said, chewing the inside of her cheek with embarrassment. "This car always gives Mom trouble."

Pale and shaky, Doofenshmirtz draped his arm over the back of the seat and twisted around to see Perry. He thought Perry looked a bit white under his whiskers.

"Are you okay?" he said.

Perry purred weakly.

Doofenshmirtz turned around. "All right, Vanessa. Let's go. But this time, I recommend going more _easy_ on the gas."

* * *

Vanessa managed to drive them safely to the tiny downtown diner, all the while tolerating her father's teasing comments about her driving skill.

"Just for that," she said without a trace of humor in her voice, "I'm never letting you come with me again."

"Aw, honey," Doofenshmirtz said, swinging his legs out of the car. He stood up and stretched, then moved to open the back door. Perry clambered out. Doofenshmirtz noticed with relief that the color had seeped back into Perry's cheeks.

Vanessa smoothed a crease from the sleeve of her leather jacket. Her spike heels clicked against the parking lot pavement and faded when she slipped into the diner.

Doofenshmirtz glanced down at Perry. "Well, are you ready to have lunch with a crowd of noisy Goth teenagers?"

Perry held up a paw and pinched the bridge of his bill between his fingers. The very idea made his head pound. He wished he had refused to join this Doofenshmirtz family escapade. With a sigh, he followed Doofenshmirtz into the diner, his tail dragging the ground.

Doofenshmirtz pushed open the smudged glass door, and a little brass bell tinkled to celebrate their arrival. Perry pressed his paw against his mouth to smother a laugh. He certainly had not expected Vanessa's dark, moody friends to congregate in a noisy, greasy diner.

The group of teenagers surrounded a long table. They formed a knot, leaning over toward one another, whispering. A girl presently raised her head, saw Doofenshmirtz, and frowned. She tapped a boy's shoulder and murmured something to him.

"Now that's just completely impolite." Doofenshmirtz sulkily folded his arms over his chest. "Boy, if these kids lived in _my_ house, there would be some massive alterations in be _ha_ vior, I'll tell you that."

Perry rolled his eyes and reached up to close his fingers around Doofenshmirtz's sleeve. He led him to the table. Every strange eye locked on them.

"What... is that?" Vanessa's friend Lacie said, dubiously watching Perry. Perry suddenly felt extremely unwelcome. He stepped a bit behind Doofenshmirtz, acutely aware of all the curious gazes.

" _That,_ " said Doofenshmirtz indignantly, "is a platypus, and his name is Perry the Platypus."

Vanessa placed a comforting hand on her friend's arm. "Don't worry, Lacie. Perry and Dad go everywhere together." In a whisper she added, "Just ignore them."

Johnny reluctantly scooted beside Lacie, giving Doofenshmirtz and Perry the end of the booth. Doofenshmirtz slid in first, squished against Johnny. Johnny tactlessly edged away. Perry climbed onto the seat and sat primly, folding his paws in his lap. He looked about with interest, though he could barely see over the table.

The conversation lulled. Someone cleared his throat awkwardly. Johnny raised his eyebrows at Vanessa. Vanessa uncomfortably turned her attention to a loose threat that dangled from her sleeve.

"Well," Doofenshmirtz said happily, "how have you all been?"

Everyone stared blankly at him.

"All _right._ Quiet bunch today, huh?"

Silence.

"Great, great." Doofenshmirtz muttered something under his breath as he peeled a sticky laminated menu from its holder. He gingerly opened it and held it down for Perry to see. Perry looked into his eyes while Doofenshmirtz quietly pointed out meals that they would agree on sharing.

Lacie giggled. It sounded like a hiccup. Vanessa thrust her elbow into her side.

"I can't help it," Lacie said. "They're so funny."

"Yeah, well, keep it down, okay?" For some reason, the amused expressions on her friend's faces annoyed her. She huffily rested her chin on her fist, propping her elbow on the tabletop. "Just give Dad a break."

"You okay, Van?" Concerned, her eyes crinkling and smudging her mascara, Lacie moved closer to Vanessa.

Vanessa tried to smile, but her lips felt stiff and soon thinned."Sure. Whatever."

Solemnly, Doofenshmirtz returned the menu. "Have you guys already _or_ dered your lunch?"

"Nah." Johnny waved one gloved hand carelessly. "You and the Dachshund can go ahead."

"Platypus," Vanessa hissed over the table, fearing for her boyfriend's safety.

Surprisingly, Doofenshmirtz appeared to overlook Johnny's comment. He smiled pleasantly. Once his and Vanessa's eyes met, he winked. Vanessa slumped with relief, feeling a rush of affection toward her father. He was truly making an effort to mingle with her friends. She would have to thank him before she went home.

Johnny called for a waitress, who bustled her way to their table with pencils sprouting from her wiry curls. She scrawled their orders on a notepad.

"And what would you like?" she said to Doofenshmirtz.

Doofenshmirtz pointed down at Perry. "Um, he and I are going to _share_ , if that's o _kay_. We'd like a sandwich. Can you, like, put mustard and catsup and pickles and turkey on one half, and just put some kind of fish on the other?"

The waitress watched Doofenshmirtz for a second, then scribbled in the notepad. "One fish sandwich," she said and left.

Vanessa covered her grin before her friends could see it.

Small talk followed for several minutes. Johnny intently described the fretboard of his new electric guitar. The girls leaned forward, enraptured. Doofenshmirtz rolled his eyes. Lacie told Vanessa about her new lipstick. Doofenshmirtz prayed the waitress would hurry. Perry consolingly patted Doofenshmirtz's knee. The gossip bothered Perry little; he often heard similar talk from Candace.

The waitress returned a while later with platters balanced on her arms. She slipped plates in front of everyone. The only sounds consisted of mumbled "thanks"s and the clacking of plates against the table.

"And here," said the waitress, "is your sandwich."

Doofenshmirtz stared at the thin, greasy slices of bread. Cautiously he poked at the soggy crust with a fork. He lifted the top piece of bread and peeked in. Three sardines lay, shiny and warm, in a puddle of butter.

He swallowed. "Uh... come to think of it, I'm not really that _hun_ gry."

Nobody paid attention to his melancholy. Hands constantly reached for the bowl of tortilla chips in the middle of the table. Lacie nearly knocked over the bowl of sour cream dip. Johnny swallowed a tortilla chip too quickly and started coughing until Vanessa pounded him on the back. He remained surprisingly unperturbed.

Doofenshmirtz sighed. "How come I didn't get turkey?" he said, his voice rising in a whine. Reluctantly he pulled a corner off the sandwich and offered it to Perry. Perry took it eagerly, holding the wet crust in both paws and nibbling at it. Doofenshmirtz wondered how he could excitedly eat something so unappetizing.

"Hey!" a voice rang out sharply. Everyone's heads snapped up. One of the girls scowled at Johnny. "I saw that. Stop snitchin' food off my plate."

Johnny nonchalantly held up the chip. "You want it back?"

"Duh."

"How about now?" Johnny swept the chip over his tongue and wagged the chip tauntingly.

"That's totally disgusting. Ugh, keep it. Whatever."

"I licked it," Johnny said sensibly. "That makes it mine."

Lacie followed Johnny's example, sneaking a french fry from Vanessa's plate. She swabbed it over her tongue before Vanessa could react. She laughed and said, "I licked it, Van. It's mine, now."

Doofenshmirtz watched these exchanges with fascination. "Wow," he said, talking more to Perry than anyone else. "When _I_ was growing up, we had stuff like _Der Kinderlumper._ "

Perry nodded, his mouth full, his fat cheeks stuffed. He peeled another section of crust off the sandwich.

Doofenshmirtz observed another round of "I licked it; it's mine" take place between a boy and a girl. It must be one of those trends, he guessed. An idea wriggled into his mind, and he glanced down at Perry, who was contentedly sucking grease from his fingers.

Discreetly, Doofenshmirtz raised his hand and licked his palm. He slid his arm behind Perry and gave him a friendly rub on the back.

He was certain no one would notice the wet streak.


End file.
